The Neglect

They said, you've gotta believe in your dreams and the only person who could do that is yourself. But, despite of everything you need someone who will also believe in you. A person who will tell you, that you can do better and nothing is impossible.

But, my heart was torned to wake up in the morning, realizing that the person whom I thought will always stick with me is the first person who mocked at me. Guess, I was only the one who is  holding my hands. Solitary and lonely.

Boy Meets Girl, Girl Meets Boy

You were on a train, you saw this guy, your eyes met, you smiled with each other and from then on you never forgot his face.

You were on a coffee shop, sipping a cup of coffee, then someone caught your attention, there was this beautiful girl whose smile can sink thousands of ships, you never missed out that opportunity so you asked for her number. You left home with a smile thinking that you finally met the 'one.'

Different stories different places, different people. When boy meets girl, it sparks of something new, something we probably called love. It paints sweet curve in our faces. It makes our heart skip a beat and from then on we mentally picture ourselves with that person.

Few days, after your first meet, fate seems have let your paths cross again. You bumped at the place where you first met or you met at that least expected day and place. To some, it was coincidence but for you it was serendipity, a sweet accident perhaps. The next thing you know, you two were dating, you enjoyed the relationship. You met his friends, you met her family. You like your similarities and accepted your differences.

Few weeks, few months or few years, you started to fight with the silliest reasons. You have seen your relationships been through ups and downs. You have discovered that the person whom you have thought you already know have become the person that he/she is not. Then someone, decided to end the relationship. You never thought that it was easy for the other person to decide to end it up, but what can you do, he/she is no longer happy. The relationship ruins both of you and even if it breaks you heart into pieces you need to let go, you just have to. Like all epic love stories, there will always be the one who got away.

The story doesn't end there, after the break up, you have seen yourselves been through hell and back. You become catatonic and you felt that your heart has been alienated. For some it took months or years. The pain will always there and not a day in you life that you never blamed the day that you met. You wished it never occur, you wished to skip that day. But at the back of your mind, it made you happy once in a while but your heart was too clouded by pain. All that is left are the bittersweet memories.

One day, not like those typical, weary days. For the longest time, you have win back that smile. The smile you have missed for awhile. It doesn't mean that you are okay, but you have finally let yourself believe that it's really over and it's about time to 'live' again.

Not all love stories ends up with a happy ending and not all 'boy-meets-girl' ends up with a love story. Most of the time, it is just a story of  a boy meets girl. Period. Full stop.

DISCLAIMER:

I did not intend to be pesimmistic. This entry is greatly inspired by 500 Days of Summer movie.

12:15 AM Home

The street was in a mute silence. The cold wind brought chills in my spine. The dark street seemed haunted and yet I was walking down the street weary and wearing my white uniform. I'm about to go home.

... and I wonder how many people, just like me, who can't decide if they wanted to take a step forward or to finally stop and move backward. I wonder how many people, just like me, who can't decide if they wanted to save themselves from drowning or to just loosen the grip and let their selves drown.

Life is full of shit yet you are given no choice but to take it.

The Pain in Silence

This place was deserted, it was haunted, cold and long dead. There was you and me, but there was no us. All I can see is a stranger, silent, vengeful. But, I can no longer bear this kind of pain. To not talk to you, to pass through you like nothing happened, to look at you with such apathy. It shattered my heart into pieces. You left me alone, sitting in this damn ungodly, ugly room where all I can hear is the beat of my heart pounding against my chest. This silence deafens me. I get exhausted waiting for one single word to break this wall between us.

Insanity Tuesday

Today, I was supposed to have an afternoon duty. My shift starts at 4pm and ends at 12MN. So supposedly, I have to set my alarm clock at 2 or 2:30 pm and I must set off at 3pm sharp so that I won't be late.

But...

Because I was too insane, I set it on 3pm. In between naps, I woke up and even check my phone, it was 2:30 pm there yet I said, the alarm hasn't rang yet. When it's 3 pm, the alarm rang. I prep myself out and I'm about to go, all in my white suit. I was about to step out from our house when I checked my phone again to see what time is it. It says 3:10 PM. I paused, in deep thinking, even deeper thinking and booom! Crap! I was late! All this time. I felt that I was the most insane person on that time.

In the end, I end up unpacking my things, unwearing my clothes and I went back to sleep just where I was supposed to be. Silly me!

Monday Ranting

What's the point of meeting half way when you are the judge and the jury. I was persecuted without you hearing my side. I tried to calm down, explain my part but you never listened. Perhaps, I was never really that important to you but you have to consider that it hurts me, every second of it to know that you are mad at me.

Two Hearts, One Love

Let me tell you upfront that this blog is not about me announcing to the whole world that I am getting married, so I'm sorry to burst your bubble about it.

All my friends know that I am into a long term relationship,7 years to be exact. Not a day in my life, they keep on asking and even plea to put a ring on it. The pressure disgust me, but at the core of my heart of course I want to get married. When you are in a serious relationship, the idea of marriage is always present. You wanted to spend the rest of your days with the one that you truly love, to sleep and wake up with him is the sweetest kind of feeling.

It is always a total misunderstanding that marriage is the end product of everything, well blame it to movies and fairy tales. Truth is, it is the other way around, marriage is the beginning of everything.

Marriage, is something that shouldn't be rushed, for some it happens when it happens but majority marriage is something that should be well planned.

The idea of marriage scares me too. I grow up with not so happy family I saw how my parents struggle to keep a happy family but most of the time they fail. Sometimes, I thought that if this would be the kind of married life I'll be getting into, it's better not to.

Marriage is a bind, it is a commitment of a lifetime. When you commit yourselves on it, there is no turning back. It is a gift. A gift from God that out of 6 billion  people in the world, two hearts was created to become one.

Versus

For 13 days in a row, I kept on babbling about life, pain, angsts and all the drama. Now, let's talk about something juicy, sexy and pink!

Saturday+day off= Whole day internet surfing. The same things happened everytime, I was literally whole day engaged with my laptop.

Thank God for youtube I found this video Victoria's Secret Top Models, this next video are some clips of one of my most admired supermodel Tyra Banks.

Tyra nailed it with her boobs. Giselle with her endless legs.Naomi with her thighs. Heidi with her angelic face and Adriana with her seductive eyes. They have different distinct features. They have different strenghts and weaknesses, they are not just another pretty face but more than that they've got character that inspired (not just Me) but all the women living in this world.

Life's Little Perks

We keep on working hard to buy the things that will make us happy. In result we are always having those sleepless nights, hectic schedules and even compromise our own happiness. I, myself would think that when you are rich, everything seems possible and all your dreams will be made to reality. However, there will always be exception to all rules because as what the old cliche says, the best things in life are free.

Those simple things that makes our heart grow ponder that transcends to our soul and made our life meaningful, they don't need to be expensive things as long as it makes you happy and make you feel relieved. 

Foodie, completes my day. Truth is, I don't go for expensive brand of food. I love chocolates ad my favorite is curly tops. It looks so cute and tastes really good. I love marshmallow, it's so  mushy and soft I love ice cream because it calms my mind and satisfies my tastebuds. I love coffee, I admit I'm addicted to caffeine. I love Puca, that tiny biscuit that has chocolates inside, wow perfect must-grab in the grocery store, it's so damn addicting. 

I love everything about writing, blogging perhaps. I love social media thus I have almost all account in every social media website, name it and I have it.

I love to watch movies and listen to feel good songs. Most of the time, I prefer to be alone. I really don't like loud environment.

Above everything, I love the people that always makes me smile. When you arrive from work, worn out and stressed it feels good that someone calms you and rescued you from immense drowning. 

The Walls that We Built

For how many years, we build walls to protect our most precious things, hide what is really inside and to keep the air of mystery. 

Those bricks were made of memories- happiness and miseries.

The memories that made us shattered yet made us whole again.

... and with just one slip of a moment, those years that we spent building up these walls came into crash by one single blow. It didn't occur to me that I, myself have let someone crashed these walls that I built for a long time. I was the culprit of my own failure, only because I loved.

Who Says You Can't?

Today, I woke up with an ambiguous determination. I keep on questioning if  I really can make it this day.

Today, I woke up with hesitancy about myself and my capacity and my judgment and my critical decision making.

Today, I woke up with my heartbeat pounding hardly against my chest wall and respiration seemed overly breathing than in normal pacing.

Today, I woke up with a greater responsibility ahead of me.

But there's no turning back, if I can't make it today surely I can't make it by next day. So today I tightened up my muscles, strengthened my creases, took a deep breathe and held it for a long time and exhaled strongly against the air.

This was a busy day, my first time to be a charge nurse. The responsibility is getting bigger but I know I can manage. The day turned out to be not that good but never worse though. I'm happy with all the appreciation I received but I am even happier by the thought that amidst my self-doubt, I manage to be a strong and determined girl. The world may tell you that you can't but if you believe in yourself things will happen and dreams will become realities.

Caught in the Fast Lane

I was in the car, I was breathing in as preparation for the long day. Now the sun is up, like a large grandeur orange fireball from a distance which is partially cloaked by clouds. The morning breeze caresses my soul. The tires run smoothly against the sun-kissed asphalt. Just like every other day, I'm at the car's window, looking through different images in motion. At times, I felt that I was living my life in the fast lane but I forgot I was married to a speed bump. Life is like travelling, it's fast and seemed to be smooth but along the road you get to meet several bumps.

The Sweet Revenge

You and those big muscles used against bullying some weaker men.

You and those words like knives who were used against people to point out their flaws.

You and your sharp eyes that judges like you see what you don't see.

You and your big bad mouth who humiliates people like trash.

You and your self-confidence who thinks you own the world.

You may blow people down but it doesn't mean that you won the game because the world is cruel and ugly to have not friends. But you were mean, and pathetic, bitter and unloved so you live alone, ranting with same old lies and lines.

The Coldness of Words

Please words..

As the rain poured hardly against our rooftop and as the people run back and forth trying to find a shade not to get wet. Here I am stuck on something.. Stuck on wordless battles of my mind. I tried to squeezed out the right words to describe my life, but it seems that I ran out of papers and ink to write.

The Words that Meant to Live

Don't tell me that you love me, if you don't intend to live it forever.

Don't tell me that I am perfect, I have flaws and I want you to accept it...

Don't tell me that your world revolves around me, I don't want to be your world. I only want to be part of your world.

Don't ask for forgiveness, if you are meant to repeat it. There is so much pain a girl could take and I just can't take it any further.

Don't tell me about your ex, I'm a jealous girl and you put up all these insecurities in my head.

Don't tell me that you can't live without me, the last time I heard it was the day before we broke up, which obviously untrue.

Don't tell me that I'm the only one, if you flirt with other girls. 

Don't put up all these stories in my dreams- happy endings, you and me walking down the aisle, forever, only you and me. The least thing I want to hear is the utter truth straight from you heart.

At one point, I thought that there is no way my heart can be broken any further but I was wrong. I'm still scared. I'm still haunted by those painful memories but I will bask in the glory of now, after all I am a broken doll. 

The Fifth Born

If there is only one opportunity to turn the pages of time, I wish to rewrite it...

If there is only one opportunity to undo all the things that happened, I wish to relive it...

The hours of glass continues from falling and there is no way to turn the hourglass over...

All that is left are memories... the sweetness of nothing... Your face was painted on my mind... You were my master piece. Seamless, beautiful, perfect... But... You were cold, dead and burried 6 feet under, there is no way to hold you but only to remember the days that we have you. You were stolen away from us, it was a misery. However, the love of God left us with your memories and from those memories I know nothing has changed you will always be our brat, little boy.

May you rest in peace.Happy Birthday, Brother!